The costumes, the drama, the laughter, the crying, the absolute blatant corruption. I am in! I have been converted to a tv sports watcher.

Like many other queer men, I’ve found myself unable to muster any enthusiasm for watching sports on television. The mere thought of sitting through a football game fills me with a sense of dread and disinterest. I vividly recall the times when friends would gather at my place to watch the big game, their eyes glued to the screen, while I sat there, feeling like an outsider in my own home. Family football parties were no different; there were events I attended out of obligation rather than genuine interest. My attention was always drawn more to the tantalizing spread of food than to the game itself. The array of snacks laid out on the table was a feast for the senses: pigs in a blanket, with their savory sausage wrapped in flaky pastry; gooey, cheesy nachos that promised a delightful mess with every bite; crispy, spicy chicken wings that left a lingering heat on the tongue; and juicy cheeseburgers that were a meal in themselves. These culinary delights still hold a cherished place in my heart, far more than any touchdown or field goal ever could. But everything has changed this year…

I am glad to be one of the many who comprise of this years unprecedented U.S. Television Growth. Driven by the matches taking place across North American time zones, broadcasting viewership numbers have shattered every existing soccer record in the United States: [1, 2]

Metric / Broadcast Round

Metric / Broadcast Round

Metric / Broadcast Round

Viewership Increase (%)

U.S. Group Stage AvG. (Fox/FS1)

~2.65 MM viewers

5.1 MM viewers

92%

Round of 16 AvG. 
(Fox English)

4.58 MM viewers

14.47 MM viewers

216%

Telemundo & Peacock AvG. (Spanish)

2.2 MM viewers

5.7 MM viewers

157%

Data from  Yahoo Sports +1

Through my enthusiastic support of my siblings' children and their involvement in various sports, I have gradually developed a genuine appreciation for soccer. Attending their games and cheering them on from the sidelines has allowed me to witness the excitement and skill involved in the sport, ultimately transforming me into a dedicated soccer fan.

Now lets get into some fun… This years categories I came up with are… 

Leading Categories

  • Best Performance of a Faked Injury (Leading Man)

    • Winner: Breel Embolo (Switzerland): A masterclass in gravity defiance. What a breathtaking, heart-stopping performance!

  • Best Crybaby Complaining to the Ref

    • Winner: Tie between Team Portugal and Team London: A synchronized, multi-national symphony of dramatic, open-mouthed disbelief.

  • Fan Favorite

    • Winner: Erling Haaland (Norway): The towering Norse god who captured hearts by simply existing on a pitch.

  • Most Botoxed Player

    • Winner: Cristiano Ronaldo (Portugal): Defying aging, wrinkles, and human facial expressions since 2004.

  • Best Eyebrows

    • Winner: Again Cristiano Ronaldo (Portugal): Plucked, sculpted, and aerodynamic enough to cut through stadium air resistance.

The Wardrobe & Styling Department

  • Who Wore It Best? (Player Edition)

    • Winner: Son Heung-min (South Korea): Bringing runway-ready, high-fashion energy to pre-match stadium arrivals.

  • Best Hair (Player)

    • Winner: Olivier Giroud (France): A gravity-defying pomade structure completely immune to headers, sweat, and rain.

  • Best Tantrum by a Coach

    • Winner: Thomas Tuchel: A cinematic explosion of pure, unadulterated veins-popping theatrical fury.

  • Best Hair & Styling by a Coach

    • Winner: Murat Yakin (Switzerland): The ultimate modern-intellectual look. A flawless combination of a razor-sharp haircut and iconic spectacles.

  • Who Wore It Best? (Coach Edition)

    • Winner: Aliou Cissé (Senegal): Effortlessly rocking custom-tailored suits with a crisp dreadlock aesthetic that screams sideline royalty.

Ensemble & Technical Categories

  • The Team the World Wanted to Win

    • Winner: Norway: The global underdogs who united neutral fans everywhere in a wave of optimistic hope.

  • Best Announcers Platform

    • Winner: Telemundo (Spanish)Runner-up: FOX Sports (English): Hands down Telemundo. The English broadcast tried, but they simply lack the oxygen capacity to scream "GOOOOOAL" for 45 straight seconds.

  • Least Deserving Match Winner

    • Winner: England (vs. Norway): A daylight robbery so blatant it should have required a police intervention.

  • Tightest Tactical Gameplay

    • Winner: England: Say what you want about the drama, but they executed a suffocating, hyper-tight game plan with mechanical precision.

Follow up next week after the final team has won.

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